We were married for about four years and then we got divorced. I became part of the 50% of people whose marriage doesn’t work out.

My marriage just died as a plant dies for lack of water. No big fight, no big drama, no cheating, no gambling, no substance abuse, no domestic violence. Our marriage just ran out of love and we had a divorce.

But other than my failed relationship, why do other marriages fail? Are we supposed to spend the rest of our lives with the same partner? Or are we supposed to jump from one relationship to the other?

Marriage for love is a new invention

When we think about marriage, we have to be aware that the concept of marriage for love is a new invention.

In the Western world, as early as two hundred ago, people didn’t get married for love, they got married to survive and to reproduce; couples were mostly work-mates struggling to produce food, shelter, and clothing. Marriage was a survival mechanism.

If we think of Maslow’s hierarchy of needs, we could say that marriage was at the base level, in the same category as food, water, warm, rest, and procreation.

As we evolved and became part of a more modern society, marriage became a higher level need, on the same level as belonging and love. To love the person with whom you were living and creating babies with was an added benefit.

On the arrival of the industrial revolution, society created an excess capacity of food and shelter and people began to marry for love.

When people marry for love, they enjoy making a public commit to themselves in front members of their community, their government officials, and the god they follow.

But even then, the division of labor continued being the norm. Men would go out and be the breadwinner while the women would stay home, cook, and have babies.

Couples fall out of love

Since couples began to get married because of romantic love, they also began to get divorced when they fell out of love. Love is a very volatile emotion. People don’t have control over it. Love can continue growing throughout the years, but it can also die despite the couple’s best intentions to keep it alive. We are not masters of our emotions, we just feel them and act (or not act) upon them.

Other reasons why marriages fail:

Women became breadwinners

As civilization continued to evolve. Women became more and more educated. The percentage of women finishing secondary education has surpassed that of men and the salary of college-educated women is leveling with that of their men counterparts and in many cases, the women have become the main breadwinner.

In situations where women no longer need men to survive, nor to procreate, expectations have become increasingly complex. Men are struggling to find their new role in this new family structure and many of them are coming short of expectations, and thus the rate of divorce continues to increase. Women no longer have to accept a marriage that no longer makes them happy and they bail out when marriage is no longer meeting their needs.

By the same token men no longer feel needed, they feel obsolete, and they can be the first ones to walk out. Men’s egos are very fragile and they can feel intimidated in front of independent women. I confess I have felt intimidated by a woman more than once in my lifetime.

The Pill is a major influence in marriages

The other factor influencing marriages is the invention of the birth control pill. It used to be the norm that a woman would have a baby nine months after their wedding, but that’s no longer the case. Women have taken control of their bodies and now they are the ultimate decision-maker on when to have a baby. Some are opting for not having babies altogether, or to have a career first and a baby later. This is a stark difference from the woman who would have a baby in her early 20s and be stuck with the same partner for the next 18 years until the baby became an adult.

Of course, men also feel less attached if there is no baby. A baby creates a great incentive to stay together, there is something more important than the selfish self, there is the purpose of raising a child and preparing her into adulthood.

Men’s low testosterone

Testosterone levels can influence various aspects of a person’s life, including their mood, energy levels, and libido, which can indirectly affect relationships. Low testosterone levels might lead to decreased sex drive, fatigue, irritability, and mood swings, all of which can strain a relationship. However, it’s essential to note that the impact of testosterone levels on a relationship can vary greatly depending on the individuals involved and the dynamics of their relationship. Factors such as communication, understanding, and support can play significant roles in how couples navigate challenges related to hormonal imbalances. If someone suspects low testosterone is affecting their relationship, it’s essential for them to consult with a healthcare professional, such as those at ED Clinic Dallas, for proper diagnosis and treatment. Additionally, couples therapy or counseling can also be beneficial in addressing relationship issues that may arise.

Our personalities change

Finally, we are living longer and our personalities continue to change throughout the years. I am a completely different person now at age 53 than when I was 25, and the same goes for most people. Couples change their personalities, their preferences, their education levels, their tastes, and their goals. They either change together and enjoy a long term relationship, or they drift apart up to the point in which they become unrecognizable to each other.

Staying together out of inertia

Of course, there are also couples who are no longer in love with each other, they no longer rely on each other for survival, but they have learned to become good roommates. To that, all I have to say is “Why not?” They already know each other, they already trust each other, it’s a convenient situation from a society’s point of view. If each one of them can follow their own personal interests and they don’t interfere with each other’s lives, why the hell not? I know a few couples in that situation and although their relationship is not optimal, in general, they have a high level of life satisfaction.

It’s your turn

Have your marriage failed? Do you care to share your experience or your opinion?